Although it's contemptuously far past my "bedtime" I feel the need to blog about right now. Right now I'm having a moment of clarity, of inner Self and Life. I don't have these moments very often anymore because my time is consumed by preparing food, maintaining some kind of semblance of cleanliness in our home and trying to keep up with being a friend and family member with a life outside of motherhood. At the end of the day I am exhausted, mentally wiped out and all I want to do is surf the internet. Knitting, though I have actually managed to squeeze in a few rows whenever I don't feel too guilty about it, is not actually something I like to do at night anymore - it's another activity that I can't find the suitable energy for.

Back on topic - clarity. Being a stay-at-home Mom and wife has been a huge transition for me. I wouldn't trade my daily life, though patience-trying and sometimes repetitive it may be at times, for my old life. On bad days, which today was, it's harder to remember that.

Lucas is 9 and a half months old and has several teeth coming in at once. He's needy, cries a lot and has been having trouble sleeping and eating. I've been having migraines due to probable hormonal shifts. In the middle of that, as if that weren't enough already, my husband and I haven't been getting along because neither one of us has been able to do the things we want to or get certain things done. It's caused a bashing of heads. He wants to mow the lawn - we need to go grocery shopping. He wants to see a friend - Lucas is napping and that's my only time to shower and get dressed. And so on.

There are days, like the last few, when I selfishly and momentarily wish I didn't have a child. It takes the greatest strength I possess to remain patient and be the best mommy I possibly can be. And there are days, like the last few, when I look at my husband and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I agreed to marry him. Yet, I will still make my culinary-challenged husband a meal even if I'm fuming mad. Obviously, these are temporal feelings mainly fueled by the urge to flee a difficult situation. I love my son and I love my husband. But I'm a person, I'm not always positive and more on topic - I need time for myself so that I can recharge my "nice and loving" side. I happily sacrifice all my energy and time to my family, but please, a few hours to myself a week is all I ask.

Thankfully, after a very bad morning of a very early rising baby with sore gums and a raging headache, I was able to make it to my knitting group. It came with a nasty argument, but I went anyways. I knew that if I let myself feel guilty the rest of my night would be bad anyways and either way, no one would be happy. When I came home I felt fully recharged and eager to spend time with my son again. My husband and I still aren't speaking to each other, but that will eventually get resolved when we feel like making up. I don't feel like making up right now, honestly. I'm still mad about a lot of things and I need time to let the passion of my anger dissipate, then to look at things more constructively and then find a way to smooth things out.

After writing all that I can't really remember what my supposed epiphany was all about, which I was afraid might happen. I get wrapped up in the process of the actual writing and lose sight of the initial thought.

Maybe another time...

Now I have to attempt to get some decent sleep. I need all the energy I can store because I'll be taking care of Lucas and my friend's 3 and 5 year-old daughters while she goes to divorce court. After that I have to bring a dish to a cook out for some former neighbors who are back in town for a couple days with their newborn son. I have a feeling it's going to be a very long day.

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