Tonight I put my son in his crib for the night for the first time. It's unsettling, I can't help but constantly look at the baby monitor. I'm hoping he sleeps through the night as he has been recently. Looking at Little Man and having some quiet time for myself has allowed me to think about my life as a whole. And maybe about my place in this world.

I can't remember a time in life that felt quite this complete and ... right. Some times there are moments when I would like to do something (knit, clean, cook, call someone), but instead I have to be a mom and take care of my son because he's crying and needs something. For a second it can be an irritation, but at the same time I'm happy knowing that I can fulfill almost any need he has. It's a good feeling to know that I'm needed. The sense of satisfaction that I feel when Lucas calms upon seeing me or hearing my voice is indescribable. For the time being my life at home is as complete as I can hope for.

I'm glad that I've made the decisions that I have. Despite all the reasons I could have had to not take up my husband's first offer of a date, I did. When he asked me to marry him, I could have run off screaming and clung to my life of detached wandering, but I didn't. I chose to be his mate and to follow him. I chose to become the mother of his children. If you know me at all, then you know that these have been some of the best decisions of my life and a thousand times better than the decisions I've made in the past. Even though I have a long list of adventurous tales to tell about my life - really, the only ones that matter to me anymore are the ones that I have about now. I loved my life as a single woman living abroad and roaming around the world in search of something I could wrap my head around, but this- being close to my family, nurturing that which is dear and valuable to me, pouring myself out to people - that's all that really matters. I think just now I've finally understood the vision of the woman pouring the water into the dry creek bed. I'm there. I'm where I am supposed to be.

That in turn made me think about giving in general. I realize that my heart is most full when I've emptied myself of everything I have to give. A life lived alone is lived for nothing and I'm happiest when my table is surrounded by friends and family. Sharing life with people and being sacrificial with my time, love and resources is what really makes my life with others on this earth so moving. I feel like I've been given certain talents so that I can in turn give more and give more abundantly.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. It does to me. My thoughts are scattered because I had a full day and I'm tired.

I had a conversation with a close friend recently. I shared with her that I don't feel like I'm doing enough and she contradicted me. At the time when she said that, I don't think I believed her. Thinking things over now, I think she may have been right after all. I am only one person after all. It's better to invest in quality rather than quantity. Salt spread too thin doesn't have any taste, but in concentrated doses...

Comments (1)

On August 30, 2009 at 9:04 AM , Origami Angel said...

Very well said. I had chills reading this entry. I am in total agreement with you. Hugs, K