Umiko

I'm just going to write. I don't care how it all comes out and in what format, or in what order. It's all jumbled in my head anyways, so maybe I can make sense of it later. Many fragments, little wholeness.

As my husband has been gone the last week, I've felt the inner pull to prepare my heart for the future. We're embarking on a path together that wasn't in my vision of the future. I thought we would get out of the military, go back "home" and start our own brand of life together. That changed, and with that change I feel like I have to change, too.

This whole last year, plus some, has been one long-winded change of all kinds. At times it's been really difficult to find a branch to grasp on the long fall from the top of the tree. In essence, it's been like falling from "here" to "there", and "there" is the here and the now, the reality, ground level.

Becoming a wife, a military wife, a mother, a housewife, a person taken out of her familiar element. Taken further away from my own ambitions, my personal desires, the things I used to fill my days with. At times it's been unsettling, others it has been amazing, mostly it's somewhere in between the latter two. I know, without a doubt, that I am not the first or last woman who has had to struggle with coming to terms with my role as a person changing. Also, having to deal with my own sense of identity, grasping at the tangled remains of who I was, who I want to be now, who I want to be in the future.

I miss the feeling of being able to create my life one day at a time without regard to tomorrow. For many years I lived my self-created adventure. I laughed in the face of ho-hum existance and tried to make even the small things exciting, meaningful and memorable. I think of myself as a person that tries to live "deeply", absorbing as much in as I can handle and then maybe a little more, just for good measure.

I've become awfuly complacent about my life recently. There are phases that last for a few months and I ride the high of evolving and changing and then it pitter patters out to blahness again. I did a group book study on a couple of books and felt wholly and completely invigorated, then I went into the practical stage of putting the new things I had learned into application and now I'm here. Here is not pretty, here is not nice. Here is a little bit stagnant, a little bit dark. And I don't like it! I figure this is a good place to start - not in denial, but recognizing that I have come to this place and now is the time to start shaking things up. If you've been reading, then you've probably caught wind that I haven't been feeling 100% fulfilled in general.

I think it all boils down to me and how, in the process of all this change, I forgot to create a new vision for myself and my future with my family. The balloon of passion that has been steadily carrying me through life has lost some elevation and I know that now is the time to start pumping it back up.

One of the big things that has been missing in my life is the creative process. Yes, I've been knitting, but it's for the most part a solitary activity. And solitary is how I feel. I feel a little like a social butterfly with her wings folded together. When we moved here I moved away from a church where I volunteered a lot of my time. I moved away from a really fun full-time tattoo job where I got to meet new people and hear new stories all the time. I moved away from all the interesting countries that were a day's drive away. I moved away from my then-budding interest in creative photography. I was spontaneous, always creative, always on the move.

Now, I stay at home quite a bit so that my son is well-rested and well-fed, and also so that I can see my husband for short stints between his ever-changing, all-demanding job schedule. Life with a young child is a beautiful thing, but it is also poses a restraint to spontaneity. And time. All that time I spent with a tattoo machine in hand, a camera in my face, my hands on the wheel - replaced by the here and the now. I'm left wondering - how do I win some time back for me? I don't want to lose touch with myself any further. I don't want to throw in the towel and become the "white button-down, jeans and sneaker-wearing soccer mom in the suburbs". I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being that person, I'm just saying it's not me.

And that's all I've got on my plate right now. I feel like I have to become a little stronger again because there are times ahead of me that will require me to be much more self-reliant and proactive. I need to prepare my heart for strength against temptation, for patience and more kindness.

Years ago, I hit a point of revelation that sitting around and watching TV was mostly wasteful and numbing and I'd done enough of it. That being said, I really like watching the hoarding shows that have become popular recently. Long ago I knew a very old woman who hoarded very expensive museum-quality antiques. Every surface in her unkept house was covered with stuff. My Dad and I met her while visiting my Great Aunt at the lake and later, when I moved in with my father, she became our landlord. The house we moved in to was ... shocking. It took me weeks to clear the cobwebs, 10 years worth of dust and to sort through the furniture that was stacked ceiling-high. The "house" was quite small and in it were at least 15 dressers, 6 couches, numerous tables in all sizes and and and... it was insane. Not all of it was crap, though. Before moving out we bought all the pieces we liked and later sold them before moving overseas. We made four times the amount that we spent! It was very strange having to weave around furniture to get from one room to the next.

Throughout the years after, I always lived in relatively small spaces with too much stuff. It was always irritating. I'm a sentimental person and I like to hold onto objects that have meaning to me. It goes a little like this: "So-and-So gave me this. I bought this in This Country." Etcetera. There are boxes of "stuff" in random places in the house. Some of the objects in those boxes haven't been touched in years. In the last few years I've been working on downsizing possessions in general. Mine are easy, having my husband follow suit is a whole 'nother story though! But I won't get into that... It's hard to let go of stuff.

My personal story is that after my parents divorced, our house foreclosed and I moved short notice into my Dad's (above) cramped house. My entire childhood went into the landfill. I don't own a single childhood toy or book. All that remains of that time are a few ripped-out pages of my very first diary - red hearts on pink paper and all.

My husband is gone doing some training out of state until the end of the month. In order to escape potential loneliness I've been on a sort-chuck-organize rampage in the house. I did lots of that while nesting, but since it's been difficult while doing a lot of mothering by myself. Now that Lucas is older and can occupy himself for longer periods of time and I don't have a husband to take care of, I have more time to invest in the house. We'll be moving before the winter is officially over with and now is a prime time to gut everything that doesn't need to go through yet another move.

It feels good to see the trash bags go out, to see the charity piles grow and to finally, after a long pause, have space to breathe again. Having a clean, clutter-free living space is energizing for me. I feel less stressed, more at ease and the house seems peaceful and open. There is still plenty that is blocking the total clutter-free state of nirvana I could achieve, but much of that is out of my hands. (Read: husband's stuff, mostly papers and scattered stuff in junk drawers and storage spaces.)

I miss my husband a lot, but at the same time, I've enjoyed the extra time to get things in order and the time to spend with the girls minus guilt trip. Oddly, I've knitted very little. I brought my sweater that's in the process of being designed to knitting group tonight, but picked a meal-time-clean-up washcloth project instead so I could concentrate on socializing. I'm trying to keep my days as full as possible, an occupied mind is one that can't dwell on the negative! :)

Evidence:
Above: Knitted squares, joined with crochet. Finished in 2008, finally got a decent photo. I love this blanket, it's very warm. Materials: Lion Brand Homespun and Gedifra Fashion Trend Astrakan.




Above: WIP Willie Warmer. Materials: TLC Cotton Plus




Above: Razor Cami. Materials: Araucania Ranco Solid




Above: Freehand Stash Bag (crocheted) Materials: Patons Classic Wool and leftovers of Plymouth Boku




Above: Square for Planet Blanket project (crochet). Materials: Red Heart cotton




Above: Noro Spiral Beret. Materials: Noro Silk Garden Chunky.




Above: Best Friend Cowl. Materials: Noro Bonbori and 5 assorted buttons.




Above: Bokulicious Mitered Square Knitting Tote. Materials: Plymouth Boku

Everything except the first picture of my blanket are things that I've completed recently or am in the process of completing. You can see the details and original pattern sources (when available) on my Ravelry Projects Page.

Things are going great and also blah. Lucas is eating again! That's the great news. I don't dare weigh him, in case that puts a damper on his re-newfound curiosity and interest in food that I'm so excited about. I've been slamming out one project after another, which is good.

What's not so hot is that my husband is going away for awhile. He'll be spending about three and a half months out of state from now until the end of January. I'm trying to be strong and not get too depressed, but I hate to be alone and I'm going to miss him. The timing couldn't be worse - the holidays, the winter blues... the "who's going to take out the trash?" issues... Just blah. So, I knit so I don't go nuts. At least it's constructive, from my existent stash and it's not ruining my health. :) Half full, right?

Fabric project bags. I used fabric from my stash and ribbon/lace/bias tape I scored in a big grab bag for a couple dollars at a thrift shop last year.

Yarn: Noro Bonbori

I don't know why it's so hard to find my camera charger and take photos of some of the things I've been working on and my recently acquired stash! I guess it's just not at the forefront of my thoughts.

A few weeks ago I completed the 20 mitered squares to make my felted Boku bag. I bobby pinned all the squares together while having the ladies at knitting group help me arrange the squares in an appealing way. Many of the different colorways had similar colors, more specifically a lot of greens and pinks. It's lovely so far and I can't wait to get it sewn together, but I'm not in the mood to sew all those squares together right now. It seems like a daunting project.

So, instead of finishing and felting the bag I finished up my yarn cake holder for Kristy in her wedding colors. Of course I forgot to get a photo, as I am prone to do with most knitted gifts. Last night I also finished my Best Friend Cowl in Noro Bonbori. I was up late with my husband as he was trying to get in the night shift routine, so while he revisited Barn Yard on the Wii (and tuned me out with his ipod) I spent an exorbitant amount of time picking out the right size, color and shape of buttons for the cowl. I sewed each button on with a similar color of embroidery floss or yarn. I love how it turned out and now I can't wait for fall and winter to hit.

It's times like that when I'm glad I have a well-rounded crafting stash. Speaking of stash, however, I realized recently that I need to start collecting all my missing needle sizes. All too often I have had the yarn and ambition to start a new project only to realize that I'm missing the appropriate needles. And of course, when that happens it's like midnight and I can't exactly wake up Lucas and drag him with me to Walmart or something. Their selection of needles sucks anyways, but that's besides the point!

I casted on for and got half way through with a black Willie Warmer knitted with TLC Cotton Plus. You can find the pattern on Ravelry if you're really curious. I really don't want to knit it, because as much as my husband amuses me by saying he will wear it, I don't believe him. It's just like the hat I made him. "I don't know where it's at," or "It's too warm." Needless to say, he's not on my knitting list anymore. But, he was adamant about the warmer. It's an amusing knit and I love the feel of the yarn so far (I'm kind of a sucker for cotton anything), and luckily it's a very quick project because I know it will not see much use and it's cutting into my more important knitting time.

I promise sometime soon I will bomb the blog with photos. Until then, hopefully you're not too bored reading!

Some days I think I only survive because I know nap time or bed time is coming soon. My son's temperament changes at the drop of hat lately. I've been chalking up the moodiness to teething, the battle that never ends. I know that this will eventually pass, but then what? Terrible twos?

I've noticed myself getting increasingly frustrated and fed up with meal times. I know that I haven't been sleeping enough by choice and this is really been affecting my patience level. Strike one for Mom right there. Lucas came out of a 6-week long phase of refusing almost all finger foods and was back to pureed meals. Awhile ago he came out of that (literally, one day to the next everything changes!) and he had a few good weeks, now we're back to extreme picky eating. I've been reading endlessly about the experiences of other mothers of children this age and realize I am far, far from alone on this topic.

Lucas is refusing to being spoon fed which cuts out his super healthy yogurt and fruit mixes I make him for lunch most days. That also means forgetting about ground up adult dinners from the food mill. You'd be surprised how few choices there are when it comes to soft finger foods and how quickly they become tiresome for a baby. It's maddening because Lucas went from packing on pounds to dropping into the 7 percentile for his age. He has only gained ONE POUND IN FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!

It's disheartening to spend hours a day preparing the healthiest food I can come up with that include things he likes, attempting to feed him and letting him feed himself and then the slimy aftermath of the clean up process. I've taken to duct taping his bowls to the tray and allowing him to at least try spoon feeding himself. There is food in his hair, on his face, in his ears, under his bib, in his lap, his tray becomes an artist's palette of color, the booster seat/highchair is covered and the floor and anything nearby is splattered with whatever he's (not) eating.

Lucas will eat some bread, crackers, bites of a whole banana, and endless amounts of all kinds of cheese willingly, but my regular standbys of scrambled eggs and diced fruits are no longer on his choice of menu. If he were still gaining weight, I wouldn't be concerned, but he's not. People are starting to comment that he's small for his age. I'm just about at my wit's end and ready to try new things.

Some of the suggestions I've read online are:

-Ignore him while he eats. I do this sometimes anyways. I play darts, clean the kitchen or do something where I can still see him.

-Offer only one food. This goes against everything I know about a balanced diet, but at this point, I have to try everything possible that might have worked for someone else.

-Cut back on fluids before meals. Because Lucas is still on-demand breastfed and refuses cow's milk, he often drinks quite a bit of water from his sippy cup.

-Try Pediasure or some other baby shake. I am very anti-fake food and formula types of stuff, but again, desperate times call for desperate measures I guess.

-Let the baby graze on food all day. Nice in theory and I do this at times, but a lot of foods don't have a long life-span unrefrigerated or covered. Bread gets hard, eggs and dairy spoil. And we have dogs who are always on the lookout for scraps of food - this is probably the hardest part of letting him graze.

Normally we have most meals together, but this seems to make him less interested in eating as of late. A couple of times I have set his booster chair and tray down in front of the TV with cartoons and he has happily eaten anything offered to him. I hate doing it, I think it forms a bad habit of mindless eating that could possibly lead to obesity later in life, but I have to do what works right now.

I keep reminding myself that this will pass. I was a horribly picky eater until I was in my teenage years and I am healthy and turned out just fine. What I need to work on just as much as different methods of feeding Lucas is my ATTITUDE. If I'm short with Lucas, appear frustrated and irritated, I know I'm not making it easier or enjoyable for him and therefore shooting myself in my own foot. As I mentioned earlier my lack of sleep has really been affecting my mood and attitude for the worse, so I need to gain a few extra points in the self discipline section and get some more shut eye.

Deep breath. I know I'm not the only mother who has faced the "My child won't eat," battle.